Don’t Whinge about wearing condoms. Wash properly. There’s no nice way to say this: your penis is very near your bottom. If you don’t wash all over in the shower, there will be a lingering odour. You like oral sex, we like giving you oral sex, but remember: we’ve got to breathe through our noses down there.
Have fun trying to find her G-spot but don’t get too hung up about it if you can’t. Most of us don’t know where it is either, and digging around to find it like you’re tinkering with an old engine won’t impress.
Don’t force her to watch porn if she doesn’t really want to. Some women love it and will happily share it with you. Others find it repulsive. Whatever her stance, be prepared to respect it. If she’s as excited as you are by Hungry-For-It Cheerleaders Volume 4, great. But if she doesn’t want to join in, pressuring her or flaunting it will make her feel at best insecure and at worst like packing her bags. If she’s vehemently anti-porn, the choice is yours — sacrifice the skin flicks forever or keep your tracks well and truly covered.
Fingers are not a replacement penis — they have a different function and are much better put to use caressing down below rather than thrusting.
We want to look nice for you and we know that a fleece and trainers isn’t the sexiest get-up in the world. But sometimes you have to give us an incentive. The promise of a candlelit champagne dinner will see us in a low-cut dress, a fur coat and no knickers quicker than you can say ‘romantic cliché’.
We hate being compared to your ex-girlfriends at any time, but making sexual comparisons ’I don’t know what the problem is. Angela never used to need all this foreplay’ — is unforgiveable. Everyone has a sexual history but don’t remind us of yours in bed.
When you’re buying her underwear check out the sizing on the bra and pants she wears every day, not the scratchy posh stuff we save for special occasions. We tend to hang on to expensive underwear even if it hasn’t fitted us for five years just because it looks pretty in the drawer. Brands you can’t go wrong with include Myla, Agent Provocateur, LoveKylie and Rigby & PeIler.
You look really horny when you’ve just come back from the gym and, believe it or not, you’ll smell pretty saucy for the first half hour or so, too. There’s something really primal and sexy about fresh sweat. But get in there quick: after 30 minutes, that straight-from-the-treadmill smell turns into BO, which definitely does not turn us on.
If we want anal sex we’ll ask for it. Don’t try to slip it in and then pretend it was a mistake. We won’t fall for it. We will smack you in the teeth.
We want to be told that we’re beautiful before, during and after sex. A lot of our sex drive is tied up in how desirable you think we are. Tell her she’s sexy, she’ll feel sexier and you’ll get more sex.
Trim your pubic hair. It makes oral sex easier and intercourse smoother, and if you do it right you’ll look like you’ve gained a good inch.
We want you to make good sex great sex by turning it into a full-body experience. A very common complaint is that men are only interested in the breasts, bottom and between the legs. Ignore the huge erogenous zone that is the rest of her body at your peril. We all have some not-overtly-sexual place that we can’t resist being kissed. The best way to find hers? Kiss her all over — on the back of the knee, the belly button, inside the ankle, behind the ear — and note the ones that make her shiver. Either ask her to tell you what feels good or keep one hand on her breast and remember what you were doing when her nipple became erect. Not only will she feel loved, indulged and desired (always very good things), the longer you leave it before you touch her in the obvious places, the more responsive she’ll be to that touch.
Kissing must happen at least once a day and a good few hours before you want to have sex — most women enjoy a good old snog for its own sake. The Chinese have a theory that the upper lip corresponds directly with the clitoris. One passionate, slow kiss with a little bit of tongue but not too much teeth is worth five minutes of all-over foreplay. Keep kissing her during sex too.
You look sexy when you haven’t shaved for a day or two, but try that long sexy smooch and you’ll cut her face to ribbons. If you really don’t want to shave before sex, have a hot bath to soften the hair and smooth a little hair conditioner into your beard beforehand. Stubble rash isn’t a look most women enjoy wearing.
Sometimes we’re just not going to climax no matter what you do. We may just not be in the mood, we may be too tired, or have eaten/drunk too much. We may have even masturbated while you were at the gym. It doesn’t reflect on you — sometimes we can’t make ourselves climax even when we’ve been doing it for years and know all the tricks in the book.